Rafiki's Cove

So, I was just thinking about past lives and reincarnation, and I think I channelled one for a bit, without any indication of which specific life it was…perhaps all of them? But I suddenly started tearing up, and I felt like I had opened my eyes for the first time. My fear of death was removed and all I could think was “I’m alive again.” It gave me a sense of peace, knowing that I had come back.

I’m not sure if I’ve told you guys this, but I believe I have died young many times, which is why I really don’t like my youth, and am so anxious to become older. I really need a past life regression or hypnosis. I feel like I need to work on some issues from the Past, but I can’t until I know what happened!

Written, by me, in 2009

I’m thinking about taking pieces from this and creating a more current and accurate to the present version of it. What do you think?

“Dear Everyone:

            This past year has been full of discoveries for me. I feel like I’m finally growing up: shedding my cocoon, and testing my newly formed wings. Soon, I will be 18, out of the house, in college, and I’m scared as hell. Before I tread into those murky waters, I wish to ‘set some things straight.’ There are many facets of myself, ready to be explored, discovered and cherished. You are most likely wondering what the hell I’m talking about, and I guess you could call this my official ‘coming out.’ Not specifically about my orientation, but about me. Most likely you will stop reading this before the end, while most of you won’t read this at all. The people who matter in my life will.

            I am an ‘old soul’ in a young body. I was born to two loving parents, in a normal, dysfunctional family. I met my biological father when I was 11. The best day of my life was the day my sister was born. I love my family more than anything else in this existence. Playing with my two younger brothers is the highlight of my day. I can go to my mother for anything; she ‘gets’ me. I am the oldest child of six, in a family of eight. Our family is so blended that each of us, excluding Brandon and Tanner, has a separate parent outside of our immediate family.

            My family is heavily Christian, and extremely religious, specifically LDS (Mormon). I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember, as I know I do not belong in this group. It wasn’t until recent years that I discovered this is okay. I love Nature, and the beauty inside it. I respect the Universe, and her infinite power. I love life, I love Joy, and I follow the beatings of my heart with every step I take. I let my inspiration guide me. When I am not fond of something, I remove it from my life experience. I do not believe there is one Supreme Being who will judge my fate based on my actions. My actions do not determine nor reflect who I am. My passion, my voice, my reasoning behind my actions represents me. Ask me about my beliefs, I shall tell you, but I will never force them upon you.

            To put this next bit bluntly, I am gay. When I first realized I like girls, I denied it, pushed it to the back of my brain, and left it there to rot. I was raised to believe it is an immoral, disgusting “’choice.’ In 8^th grade, I finally accepted it, but not fully. I rationalized my desire for girls with, “I like boys too”. Not everyone is like this. There are people who truly like both. But for me, it was the way I could say, “See, I’m halfway normal”. I am not a person who generally regrets, but I deeply despise that I did not have the courage to truly be myself. I wrote about this in my journal (geeky me!):

‘…Something was starting to come to light within myself. I wouldn’t realize what it was until much later, though why it took so long, still escapes me. All the signs were there, even into my early childhood. Perhaps the mixture of religious/family expectations, denial, and yearn to be normal contributed to my lack of sight. This point in my life has been filled with discovery and personal epiphanies.  As I am aging, or so I should say, coming of age, life is a mystery. Questions of my childhood are being answered as new questions, sprouting out of my adolescence, and near-adulthood, are emerging. It is a beautiful time.

            I suppose the transition could be said to have happened in place of one moment. It could be argued that it took years, as a gradual change. Whichever the circumstance, my awareness grew at an alarming pace this year…’

            So, I am coming out officially and saying: I am gay. No matter how much you want to believe it is a phase, or it is simply a ‘bad choice,’ or that I am confused, or just ‘doing it’ for attention, please keep your opinion to yourself. You have no idea if any one of those is true, for you are not me.

            Life is about Joy, and what is joy without passion? I have four main passions, all four interlocking: singing, acting, literature, and children. I have been singing since before I could talk. My life would be a dreary one indeed, if I could not sing. I love the feeling of taking on a role and sharing a bond with my audience through the experiences my character has. Singing and acting go hand in hand for me. I cannot have one without the other. Literature is life, and the reenactment of life. It helps expand your knowledge, your mind, and to make connections with the world around you. And lastly, children are the light of this world. Things are so beautiful and amazing to children. No one has yet tainted their perceptions. While, no, they are not innocent, they do the things they do with great intentions. Someday, my biggest wish: to become a mother. I want that more than anything else.

            This may have been boring; it may have seemed pointless. But these are the things which I wished to share with the world. And so, as I say ‘adieu,’ I will give you one last thing: my mission statement:

            ‘I will try to either bring people up, or leave them as they are, and never bring someone down when they have some sort of interaction with me. I am but one tiny piece of the puzzle. With the small seed I plant: I will create a forest of change.’

(Corny is my middle name.)”

?

Marriage and Family Relations….

Assignment: What is a Family? (Chapter One)

Identify three people(it would be best if both sexes and a variety of ages were represented). Individually, ask each person to define “What is a family?” Your paper should include your subject’s gender, marital status, and approximate age as well as their complete response to the question. In addition to those three definitions, include your own definition. Note: Most people will try to give “simple” answers. Encourage them to give complete thoughtful answers.

Taylore Stevens

Leslie J. Bergen

Marriage Family and Relations

Due: 1/12/2011

Chapter One: What is a Family?

• Norma L. Stevens (my paternal grandmother), female, widowed, age 88: My grandmother believes in the “old-fashioned,” traditional family. She believes a family consists of those who are related to one another. She told me that she recognizes what she terms as “copy cat versions,” or what she believes is the “modern family,” and accepts that they exist, however she thinks there should be a different title for them. She says they are “artificial,” because they are “designated by society, rather than God.”

• Bradley A. Stevens (my biological father), male, divorced, age 45: My father believes a family is a group of related beings, bonded together either by blood or adoption, and usually consists of the patriarch, matriarch, and offspring. He believes that families can also extend to be larger by relation of “cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, clans and/or tribes.” He says a family “dwells together,” and that the usual dynamic consists of the patriarch as the leader, though he acknowledges that there are certain exceptions, “such as the female lion who is the leader of the lion pride.” He says that in the animal kingdom the family is extended through “genus,” which is one step up from an animal “family,” but one step below an animal “species.”

• Brandon and Tanner Warren (my brothers), male, single, ages 9 and 8: My brother Brandon says a family is “loving, caring, we always stay together, and we always love each other.” When I asked him how I came to be in his family, and vice-versa, he said we were “born into the same family, and we share the same mom.” My youngest brother, Tanner, says a family consists of “people you love, who care about you, and love you too.” When I asked him how I came to be in his family, and vice-versa, he said it’s because I am his “relative.” I assume he meant it’s because we are “related.”

• Taylore M. Stevens (me), female, single, age 19:

           I believe there are many different types of families. There’s your biological family, which is decided by genetics, fate, chance, God, whatever, but that just because someone shares the same blood as you, doesn’t mean you have to consider them a part of your “family.”

           To me, a family is a group of people who either have a deep, unbreakable bond with one another, or who have made a life-time commitment to one another. For six years of my life, my biological paternal “family” was not a part of my family. I didn’t live with them, see them, or even speak with them. At that time we had no bond, nor commitment. When I met them, bonded with them, and committed to them, then they became part of my family.

           My mother married my step-father before I met my biological father. For more than half my life, he has been my “father,” even though we aren’t related by blood. Even though they are now divorced, he’ll always be my father. Though the bond was created by marriage, both him and I are the ones who committed to working on and establishing/maintaining that relationship of father/daughter.

           I have two step-siblings, and three half-siblings and in my heart/mind, they’re all equally my siblings, just as both my “fathers” are equally my dads.. My best friend of six years is also my sister. We don’t share blood, but as she was adopted anyway, our friendship has greatly influenced my views on family. We are listed as “sisters” on Facebook, and we tell everyone we’re sisters, because in our hearts, we are. There is definitely a bond created by blood, but it’s not enough of a bond to create a family. You need more than that.

I see pictures of these people with scratches on their arms and I think “If you’re going to cut yourself, actually do it. Don’t scratch yourself then post pictures on the internet for attention. You make real cutters look pathetic.”

Then I look at my own scars and think “I could have gone deeper. Why didn’t I go deeper? Am I really that much of a coward?”

And I see pictures of those who really did go deeper, and I wonder if they would think mine look like scratches, and if they think I make “real” cutters look pathetic.

And then I think of people who actually tried to kill themselves by cutting their wrists, and I wonder if they think we’re all pathetic.

And then, of course, I do it again, and hate myself. Because I already had low self esteem and now I have this complex. I hate myself for doing it, but I hate myself for not going deeper.

I don’t want to die. I just want bigger and deeper scars.

But I want to stop. But I really don’t want to stop.

I don’t want anyone to know, but I’m angry when they don’t. Angry that they don’t understand.

I don’t do it for attention. I do it to feel alive, and to feel like I’ve gained control, and the blood is so beautiful, and I love the scars.

I’m an optimistic happy person. But I’m fucking lonely. Did you know that you can be happy but still lonely and hate yourself? Apparently that’s possible. How do you tell people that you really are happy but you’re not at the same time? (How does the bohemian “hippie” chick end up acting all “emo”? Ha, there’s a loaded word.)

I don’t want people to think I’m a freak. But I know I am, and I know that coupled with my plain-Jane looks, I’ll be alone, because nobody could love a plain-looking freak.

Stop scratching yourself. It’s dumb.

Ville isn’t arrogant…

…I don’t know who started that, haha. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Oh sure, he’s confident, but he DESERVES that confidence. His band is huge, he’s super talented, not to mention beautiful… I read that interview, and he seems light-hearted, like he’s enjoying the whole thing. He was funny, and he definitely made me laugh, haha. I don’t think he’d let it get to his head. I don’t even understand which parts they’re thinking make him seem arrogant. He never once said “Oh my god, I like totally deserve this, because I am so sexy, and you should all bow down and worship me” (even though we all do…hahaha). Stop getting your knickers in a twist, little girls. He’s the lead singer of a very popular rock band. Of course he might joke around a bit. And he deserves every ounce of confidence he has, so stop trying to bring him down. You’re all just jealous that he’ll never shag you. >.>

The interview: http://www.revolvermag.com/uncategorized/exclusive-interview-him%E2%80%99s-ville-valo-on-being-voted-the-hottest-dude-in-hard-rock-and-metal.html

I put my lip rings back in and got a new jacket…

…so what did I do? I took a million pictures, haha. So typical of me. :P (Ps. The fur is fake, I made sure before I bought it. Most fur lined jackets today have fake fur rather than real, but it’s always safe to check.)

This is me, all dressed for church, ha. Do I look like the sort who would enjoy going to an LDS church? Well, I’m not, but I went anyway because it made my pops and grandma happy. There are some things in life much more important than pride…such as honour, respect, and love. I feel all itchy and wrong when I go to the LDS church, but I do it for my family, because I love them. And I respect their customs and all that, but I do not adhere to them. Anywho…I digress… :P

Belly dancing is my new anti-drug. <3

(I do not own the rights to any of these photos)

A type of dancing in which my curves are appreciated, my womanhood is celebrated, and my spirit feels empowered. I can officially say that I am obsessed/in love. I’ve been dancing now for five years, but never has a dance made me feel so beautiful, and powerful, and truly like a goddess.

I’m a faded photograph, in the bottom of an old box, left to be forgotten in the garage years ago…

Warning: This post may seem “whiny”. I don’t care, though.

I need help. What can I do to make myself seem more likeable? It’s frustrating because while I know I have flaws, I really don’t see anything majorly wrong with me. I feel generally okay with my looks most of the time. But apparently it’s not enough. I don’t want to hear “stop caring what other people think” because that is a bullshit request. On some level we all care what someone thinks of us. We’re a social species. It’s in our nature. We like to feel adored, and wanted, and cared for, and loved. And I just don’t feel any of that. I feel like my existence is pointless. No one sees me. I really just want someone, ANYONE, to look at me and not look through me. I want to matter to somebody, somebody who loves me not because we share blood, but because of the person I am.

Am I mean? Am I really that plain-looking? When I look in the mirror, I don’t see an ugly girl. When I reflect upon myself, I don’t see a jerk. I thought I was likeable. But the actions of those around me prove differently. I don’t have very many friends (and the ones I do have rarely talk to me or try to see me, despite my efforts to see them). I don’t get noticed by strangers. It takes so much effort just to make someone even look in my direction, but then I look like I’m trying way too hard.

I want someone to notice me OUTSIDE of the internet. The internet is bullshit. You can be anyone you want on here. It doesn’t count; not really.

What can I do to make people like me? :/

Speaking up for gay rights…

….Man, sometimes I get on a roll, haha. For example, on the legalization of gay marriage this guy said to me (direct quotation from a message he sent me):

“Yeah i don’t think it should be legal because marriage is for a man and woman.
Marriage is a religious thing, and im pretty sure the bible is against homosexuality.
So changing the law to allow it would make a lot of people upset, mainly the bible bashers.

I’m not religious so dont think im some sort of preacher etc.”

In response, I said to him (again, direct quote):

“Well, I personally think that religion and politics should remain separate. I understand if a church doesn’t want to marry a homosexual couple because it’s against their beliefs. That’s fine. But the government shouldn’t make it illegal on account of religion. Then there’s no freedom of religion, which is wrong. People should be allowed to believe as they wish. Also, there are religions that are okay with gay marriage. Shouldn’t those religions be allowed to marry a gay couple? Also, the bible is not the only religious text. There are many different religions with many different beliefs. For example, my religion has nothing to do with the bible, and is totally cool with gay marriage. My religion should be allowed to practice those things as it pleases, for they don’t hurt any body. I think the only things that should be illegal are the things that hurt other people and the things that impose on other people’s rights. Gay marriage does neither of those things. It’s simply two people who love each other who want to join in matrimony. I see nothing wrong with that. Gender has nothing to do with love. Love has to do with souls. Let me ask you something…when you fall in love with a woman, do you love her because she has a vagina, or do you love her for who she is as a person? Also, what about atheists? By your argument, they shouldn’t be allowed to get married either, because you claim that marriage is a religious thing. Well, it’s not just a religious thing. It’s a political thing too. Married couples get so many political benefits that unmarried couples don’t get. It isn’t fair to deny those to gay people just because it’s against one religion. Eating animals is against my religion, yet that’s still legal, and I wouldn’t try to make it illegal just because I don’t like it. Make sense? :P”