Rafiki's Cove

Guys.

I want to be the happy, hippie, Pagan version of me that I was just a few months ago.

I don’t want to be this depressed, tired, lazy person that I am now.

Any advice?

(Oh, I recently discovered I might be bipolar. I’m getting a second opinion/help with that soon.)

But other than that…advice?

Just got a lecture from my 89 year old grandma about how she hopes the church is important to me, because some day I’ll want to be sealed to my husband in the temple. -_- Grandma, I’m not LDS, and I’m not straight. Man, I wish I could tell her that.

LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge all in one

Because I always forget, and I’ll skip days…so I’m doing it as one large post.

Day 1: Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.

Cis-gender and Queer, with a preference. Meaning, gender is not all that important to me, but I prefer to not date cis-gendered men. I will date cis-gendered women, mtf, and ftm individuals. I am sometimes sexually attracted to men, but generally only because I see qualities in them that I would like in my children. Men have never been able to fulfill me the way women have.

Day 2: Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality? 

I had a crush on my childhood best friend. My barbies were single mothers, until I hit age 10, then they married each other as “best friends”. I looked up pictures of girls kissing when I was 11, and even though I didn’t know why I was doing that or what the feeling was, it turned me on. I started looking at lesbian porn when I was 12, but I thought I was just “curious.”

Day 3: How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

Well, I figured out I liked women when I was in 8th grade. I figured out my specific orientation this year. :P

Day 4: The first person you came out to and that story.

My best friend, the same one I have now. I’ve adopted her as my sister, haha. I was in my room when it hit me, “I like girls.” The very first thing I did, instead of questioning it or hiding from it, was call her and I said, “I think I might be bisexual.” She said, “Okay.” And since she loved me and accepted me right on the spot, I got the courage to be okay with who I was.

Day 5: Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

Well I thought I was straight as a kid…I didn’t even know what gay meant because I was so sheltered by my parents. (Mormon) So when I had a crush on my childhood best friend, I didn’t know. I thought it was normal to miss your best friend so much that it ached and made you cry. Then, the summer after 6th grade, I went to girl’s camp. I had a crush on one of the leaders and I didn’t understand it. I kept asking myself why I couldn’t stop thinking about her and looked for her constantly. Then in 8th grade it just sort of hit me…I like girls. I came out as bisexual, and I was very loud and obnoxious about it. Then I was molested by my step cousin at 15, and it freaked me out. Hearing the word “penis” made me gag. So I came out as gay. Not as obnoxious as I was before, but still very open and a little loud about it. I cut off my hair and tried to be butch, and that didn’t work out, ha. Then my gay best friend and I had this weird affair, and that’s when I came to the conclusion that gender didn’t matter much to me. But every single time I thought I knew what my orientation was, and I came out every single time. It was scary every time I came out, and there were days I would bawl and just wish I was normal. I used to cut myself, but not because of my feelings for women.

Day 6: Did you face any problems regarding religion?

As I said above, I was raised Mormon. That’s the reason I didn’t know what my feelings meant. I didn’t even know what gay was. I thought it just meant “bad.” There was a girl I went to school with, and we were friends, but then this rumor went around that she was a lesbian, so I stopped talking to her. I wish I could say sorry to her now, and hopefully sometime in the future I’ll get that chance; if not in this life, hopefully in the next. But once I came out about liking girls, I had already ditched that religion, and the next year I fell in love with Paganism, which is okay with the gay. :P

Day 7: How your parents took it or how you think they might take it?

My mom read my journal when I was 14, and that’s how she found out. She sat me down and talked to me about what bisexuality meant for what felt like hours. She asked me if I wanted to “rub up on girls,” and if I simply just really liked girls as friends, or if I really did want to kiss them. The answer was that I really wanted to kiss them, though I ignored the rubbing up on them part, haha. After she saw I was serious about it, she was fine. When I came out to her again as gay she said, “I knew it.” She has loved all of my girlfriends that she’s met (except one who cheated on me, haha). She is very accepting. My stepfather is loving and accepting of me, but believes that everyone has attraction to both genders, and therefore it is a choice that he does not approve of. We rarely talk about that. My father and I haven’t talked about it too much. His sister is gay, and I think that it’s a sore spot for him. However, he has never treated me any differently than he did when I first told him I like girls. Of course his first question was if my best friend and I were dating, haha. That’s everyone’s first question when they find out. :P

Day 8: What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?

The closest is a safe but miserable place to hide, until you gain the courage to come out of the closest and enjoy the world around you. You can be in the closet about anything, really, not just being gay. I’ve heard it’s harder to come out as Pagan than as gay. What we have to remember, is that while we are in the closet and coming to terms with who we are, no one knows we are in the closest. Therefore, those around us haven’t had the time to get used to the concept like we have. When you come out of the closet, your family and friends go in. Remember how long it took for you to come out of the closet? Allow your family and friends some time to get used to it. Someday, we can only hope, the closets will all be gone, and no one will be surprised at the thought of someone else being gay.

Day 9: What do you think about LGBTQ Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary? 

I think it’s not only helpful, but necessary. Every single day we live in the straight world. In all the movies, books, magazines, ads, couples walking down the street, etc., we are bombarded with things that are “straight.” Straight people come out all the time. They say, “My husband this,” or “my wife said that,” etc without even thinking about it. But when I say, “My girlfriend…” everyone looks all shocked (unless they know me, of course.) Pride gives us a safe haven. It’s a place where we can celebrate who we are, openly and freely. It’s a place where we can immerse ourselves in “gay culture.” It’s like taking a hot shower after rolling around in mud. We get to wash the influences of the straight world off of us for one measly weekend. We get to check people out, without guilt, without feeling like a pervert. We get to hold our girlfriend’s and boyfriend’s hands without fear of hatred, mocking, or stares. Pride is so beautiful, and essential to the LGBTQ community.

Day 10: What does marriage mean to you?

Marriage in our society is not just about committing to the person you love. There are benefits, legally and unspoken about, that come along with marriage. There are social benefits to being married. It’s just a piece of paper, but it comes with so much. It’s also a right, not a privilege.

Day 11: Your favorite LGBTQ book (or one you’d like to read)?

Annie on My Mind is so cute! Such a beautiful love story. (:

Day 12: Your favorite LGBTQ movie (or one you’d like to see)?

Hmmm…..But I’m A Cheerleader, simply because it is so funny!

Day 13: Your favorite LGBTQ role model/celebrity?

Ellen! She is just all around amazing.

Day 14: Your favorite LGBTQ song or artist?

TEGAN AND SARA. Come on. How are they not everyone’s favourite?

Day 15: Your favorite LGBTQ quote.

There are LGBTQ quotes? Oh shit…I’ll go look one up, haha. Actually, I found a lot of really great ones, so I’ll be posting a few, haha.

“I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, “Well, hey, we don’t have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?” I remember when I was a kid I’d always ask my mom: “Why don’t we have a Kid’s Day? We have a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but why don’t we have a Kid’s Day?” My mom would always say, “Every day is Kid’s Day.” To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can’t you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?” ~ Rob Nash

“The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you’ve just told them.”  ― Rachel Maddow

“I can guarantee a haircut will never tell you anything about someone’s gender, who they love, or how they fuck” - Andrea Gibson

“If you dream of a world in which you can put your partner’s picture on your desk,
then put her picture on your desk…and you will live in such a world.
And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street holding your partner’s hand,
then hold her hands…and you will live in such a world.
If you dream of a world in which there are more openly gay elected officials,
then run for office…and you will live in such a world.
And if you dream of a world in which you can take your partner to the office party,
even if your office is the US House of Representatives, then take her to the party.
I do, and now I live in such a world.
Remember, there are two things that keep us oppressed —- them and us.
We are half of the equation.” - Tammy Baldwin

“Sex is what’s in our pants. Gender is how we wear our pants. Sexual identity is what we do when our pants are off.”

Day 16: A picture from your first LGBTQ relationship or of your first LGBTQ crush.

How about I put a picture here of the first girl I ever fell in love with? :P

I’m on the left, she’s on the right.

Day 17: Your first experience with an LGBTQ organization or event (Day of Silence, Pride, etc).

About two years ago, I went to my first Pride…I went to three that summer, haha. I went to San Fran Pride, Phoenix Pride, and Salt Lake City Pride. I think the best one was San Fran. So many hot lesbians! And who doesn’t love the Castro? :P

Day 18: Something about the LGBTQ community you don’t understand or have a question about.

Um….Why is it so hard to find a girl who will love me? :P Why do people assume I’m straight just because I don’t look like a man?

Day 19: Butch or Femme? 

Me? Femme. Preference? None.

Day 20 - Maureen or Joanne? (Or your favorite LGBTQ show or queer-positive show).

I don’t understand the first part? And The L Word, obviously. I also really like Glee.

Day 21: Political LGBTQ issue that is closest to you or affects you most.

Anything that has to do with being gay and being a parent. Gay parents are just like straight parents, and deserve to be treated as such.

Day 22: An LGBTQ image that makes you smile.

Day 23: An LGBTQ image that makes you cry or makes you angry.

Day 24: The stupidest argument/comment you’ve heard about gay people or an LGBTQ issue.

” “GOD HATES FAGS” — though elliptical — is a profound theological statement, which the world needs to hear more than it needs oxygen, water and bread.” - godhatesfags.com

Day 25: The LGBTQ slur you hate most or if you’ve taken back a slur and used it as a definition, ie queer or fag.

“Faggot” I cringe when I hear it.

Day 26: Your favorite gay joke (we all need to laugh at ourselves).

WOW. It was so hard to find gay jokes on the internet that weren’t really offensive! Here are a few I found that don’t bother me, ha.

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

—

A man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, “What’s the matter?”
The man said, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”

The next day the same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, “What’s wrong this time?”
The man said, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the same man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
The man looked up and said, “Apparently my wife does.”

—

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

Day 27: Your favorite LGBTQ blog/tumblr/site.

I don’t really have one?

Day 28: Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.

Does this mean I also don’t have to post it? :P

Day 29 - SHOUT SOMETHING! IT CAN BE HAPPY AND ABOUT PRIDE OR ABOUT WHY YOU HATE HOMOPHOBIA! 

MINDFUCKS FUCKING SUCK. :D

Day 30: Anything LGBTQ you’d like to end this on.

Diana Agron and Lea Michelle are gay and are a couple. Kristen Stewart and Ellen Page are also gay. We’re just waiting for them to come out. :P *wishful thinking*

Some old poems written by yours truly…. (:

(Don’t steal people’s art. It’s wrong and you’re an asshole if you do.)

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I was recently asked, “SO I just finished reading your little “debate” and I have got to say.I am in love with you. Marry me?”

I answered, “Oh my goodness! Thank you! (:

My Goddess has many faces. See, in my belief system that I have created for myself, we all have our own personal Gods and Goddess, of whom we are extensions. To relate it to life, it’s sort of like dreaming. When we go to sleep and enter the dream realm, we have bodies and experiences that feel real but our “real” bodies are in tact, laying in our beds. When we’re dreaming, we can’t remember the events of our lives, all we can remember is what we are supposed to remember in the specific dream. I believe that when we “die” we go back to our spiritual bodies, and when we do, we remember all the events in all of the lives we have lived. But when we are born, we “forget” all of those things, because remembering them all in our tiny brains would overload them. We can tap into the consciousness of our “Higher Selves” through meditation, spell work, prayer, and other divination practices. I also believe that simply believing in something makes it true. That’s not to say that believing the sky is brown will make it brown, but on a metaphysical level, believing in something gives it power. So all the ancient gods and goddesses are real in a sense. Does that make any sense? Sorry if it doesn’t, haha.”

The reason I didn’t post it is because I like to answer questions privately. It’s difficult to continually check back to someone’s blog to see whether or not they answered. I liked my answer, so I thought I would share. (:

Meditation: 1/26/2012 (I held my daughter(s) for the first time!!)

I went to my meditation class again last night, and I had a very profound, enlightening, and powerful experience.

I’m not going to go over how he led us into the meditation, like I did last time. ( http://rafiki-town.tumblr.com/post/16162948668/meditation-1-19-12 ) A lot of the imagery was the same. I’m just going to try and relate my own experiences within the meditation in the best way that I can. (Without transitions from one to the next….sorry about that, haha. It was just a lot.)

- Our teacher told us that we were connected to “The Creator,” however we see them. I saw a pregnant woman, and she told me she was the Goddess, and that she had many forms by which she has been seen. I saw her giving birth to a spiritual being, and she said the spiritual being was me, and yet I was also her (the Goddess). I understood that when I died, I would return to her, and we would give birth to the next persona we were to be in our next life. (As we had done many times before.)

- Our teacher once again introduced us to the imagery of “The Knower,” who is the being who understands you and knows you 100%. I saw a genderless being, with a flat chest, and no genitals, with long hair. The Knower (who hadn’t really had a shape in my previous meditation) was a being of light, and therefore didn’t have things like nipples, or body hair. But she (yes, she was genderless, but I don’t prefer to call her “it” so I will stick with “she” for this post) did have hair upon her head, which was also light. Our teacher said that if an embrace was appropriate, to give one. I felt it was, so I hugged the Knower, like an old friend.

- The Knower led me to the dark place I was in during my last meditation, and it didn’t feel right. The only way I can explain it, is that it was similar to what I imagine a snake feels when it is ready to shed its old skin for new skin. So the Knower took my hand and led me to a portal. Our teacher told us we would find a guardian at the portal. I saw the guardian as another genderless being, but “he” was not made of light. (Though he was genderless, I sensed masculine energy within “him.”) My teacher said that if an embrace was appropriate, to give one. I felt that a handshake was the most appropriate. The place I was led into was beyond beautiful. I saw a world of lush plants. Most of them do not exist on Earth, and I could not name them. When I first entered this world, I felt like a child. I was running in the grass, and excitedly pointing to different plants. I did cartwheels, and rejoiced in this beautiful place. The Knower looked upon this like a parent would a child. She was still, but content.

- Our teacher said we could invite people into this world, and I saw many creatures, like sprites, faeries, and many otherkin. I also saw children, but I saw no human adults, and no one I knew from my current physical life.

- Our teacher told us that there was a place in our beautiful world, for which we would sit, and be still. I saw a picnic spread. (White and red checkered blanket, and a picnic basket.) I ran to the spot, and starting enthusiastically eating the food. (Veggies!) The Knower did not sit with me, nor eat the food, but simply silently gazed upon me. Then I tried to be still. It was extremely difficult. I felt like running, and jumping. I felt like I had too much energy. I just couldn’t be still. So, I stood. And I tried so hard to be still. But I could feel a light breeze moving my hair, and my dress, and I wanted to fly with it. Because I noticed I wasn’t still, I began to come out of the meditation. I was scared. I didn’t want to prematurely end the meditation and sit in a dark room with other people around me meditating.

- I saw myself growing younger and younger. I became a child and the Knower held me in her arms. I became a baby, and the Knower comforted me. I then became the Knower, and the child within my arms was my daughter. She was suckling at my breast, and I could finally be still, because I was no longer being still for me. I was being still for my daughter. Then my daughter became a toddler, and I laid in the grass, while she contentedly laid against me, and played with my hair. (Which happened to be completely dreaded, by the way.) I had to keep telling her not to eat my dreads, haha. Then my daughter began to grow before my very eyes, and another baby appeared in my arms. I recognized her as my second daughter. At this point I began to cry (real physical tears), because I knew I was really holding her.*** I saw other children running and laughing around me, and I knew I was surrounded by my other children, but they were not as focused on me, and I was not as focused on them. We loved each other, but in that moment it was not time for us to connect.

- When it became time to leave the meditation, I despaired. I wanted to stay there forever with my daughters. But my older daughter told me that I could come and visit any time, and that they would come into the physical realm when it was time. My eldest daughter held my younger daughter. My younger daughter then became a small child, and then my daughters held hands (rather than one carrying the other). I could feel their love, and knew I could see them whenever I wanted. This comforted me. They became wisps of smoke, and drifted away, yet I knew they were still with me.

-The Knower once again appeared, and took my hand. In that moment, I was once more like a child, rather than in the role of “Mother.” She led me out through the portal, and into the waking state. I was still crying when I left the meditation, and I cried super hard when my friend asked me what was wrong and I responded “Nothing is wrong. I held my daughter!” In that moment, it became real to me, and I knew the experience had been “real.”

***So about the “daughters thing”. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before on my blog, but I feel very connected to my first two daughters. (I currently have no physical children, and in this lifetime have never been pregnant.) I have had this hunger to be a mother since I was about four years old, and it has become stronger every year since then. Last summer, it was really hard for me. I was working at a day care center, and I was constantly surrounded by babies and children, and even two pregnant women. I could feel my daughters with me, and I knew they were impatient, because they wanted to come to Earth (though as I think on it now, it might have been my own impatience reflected.) I have seen them in my dreams and in “visions” many times, and I know they will be my first two children. The meditation was very healing for me, as it gave me the patience I needed in order to do the things I need to before I give them physical bodies. (Get a car, finish school, get a job, get a house, find their father, etc.) I know I saw my other children too (I want about six, but I’m not confident on how many I will actually have), but I feel like I am currently more connected to my first two daughters….most likely because they will be coming here much sooner than my rest. I know they will be old souls. I know they will be souls I have loved over many lifetimes. I am excited to re-connect with them in the physical realm, but I’m also ready to face that it won’t be today. :P

(Ps. My teacher actually told me before the meditation that I was a very old soul. That I was a “granny” in a young girl’s body. He said I had played the role of Shaman, and he saw me connected to the Natives from South America. He also said that he believes I was here when the Earth was not 100% physical, and I was about 10-12 feet tall (as all “humans” were in that “time”) and was not 100% physical myself. He said I was around when the “law of polarity” came into being. He also said that the metaphysical concepts come really easily for me, and to not let anyone tell me I’m not psychic, because I am very, very psychic. He also said that I have most likely been persecuted, and executed, for spiritual reasons, and for “being right.” I asked him if he saw me in England, and he said “Yes, middle ages.” He wouldn’t give me any more details, but I told him I was trying to confirm something, and he said that my suspicions were most likely correct….yikes! -I cannot tell you about that one. Sorry.- He said he would tell me when he’s doing a past life regression class. Yay!!!)

All that vegan debate was getting too long, so I saved it all to put in one post, if you really want to read it. (With links and everything)

I’m putting in screen-cap photos so you can see the original posts exactly as they are, without editing. (:

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